Read on to learn about the effect of shame on self-image and self-esteem as well as the behaviors it can cause in people with borderline personality disorder (BPD). Subscribe Now: Apple Podcasts / Spotify / Google Podcasts
Shame vs. Guilt
You may sometimes confuse shame with guilt, a related but different emotion.
Guilt is a feeling you get when you did something wrong, or perceived you did something wrong.Shame is a feeling that your whole self is wrong, and it may not be related to a specific behavior or event.
When you feel guilty about the wrong thing you did, you can take steps to make up for it and put it behind you. But feeling shame, or being convinced that you are the thing that’s wrong, offers no clear-cut way to “come back” to feeling more positive about yourself. That’s one difference between shame and guilt.
How Shame Happens
From the day you were born, you were learning to feel that you were okay or not okay, accepted or not accepted, in your world. Your self-esteem was shaped by your daily experiences of being praised or criticized, lovingly disciplined or punished, taken care of or neglected. Over time, intense feelings of shame can take hold of a person’s self-image and create low self-esteem. Feelings of shame often stem from what other people think. The person may become super-sensitive to what feels like criticism, even if it isn’t, and may feel rejected by others. Inside, they feel painful self-contempt and worthlessness. Researchers studying the role of biology in the development of shame-based low self-esteem are focusing some of their attention on serotonin, a neurotransmitter (chemical messenger) in the brain. They are exploring the possibility that low levels of serotonin may contribute to submissive behavior leading to feelings of shame. Evidence is increasing that serious problems can occur when shame gets deeply woven into a person’s self-image and sense of self-worth.
Shame for People With BPD
Someone who feels deep-seated shame and low self-esteem may not realize that it’s the motivation for many destructive behaviors, which can include substance abuse, eating disorders, road rage, domestic violence, and many other personal and social crises. People who experience traumatic events are also likely to feel shame, particularly if they blame themselves for what happened. In people with BPD, deep-seated shame may account, in part, for their higher rates of suicidal behavior and self-injury. Shame also affects men differently from women. It’s said that men with shame-based low self-esteem tend to “act out” through anger and violent behavior toward others, while women “act in” by turning their feelings inward and hating themselves. For more mental health resources, see our National Helpline Database.
