This article discusses what makes relationships feel secure and why it’s important to maintain friendships outside of your romantic relationship.
How to Create Feelings of Security in Your Relationship
Most people like to feel connected to the important people in their lives, especially in their relationship with a significant other(s). It’s rather easy to tell the difference between when the connection with a partner(s) feels good and when it feels off or disrupted. There are times, particularly at the beginning of a relationship, in which people might mistake feeling good with a secure connection. Secure connection refers to an emotionally safe dynamic in a relationship that allows both partners to feel seen, heard, and understood. There are three foundational elements of a secure connection within a romantic relationship according to Dr. Sue Johnson, developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples. The three foundational elements that create a secure relationship:
Accessibility
When thinking about accessibility it means that all parties in a relationship show up for each other. When you reach out, do they respond? If they reach out, do you respond? Are all parties approachable? All of this factors into how accessible partners are within a relationship.
Responsiveness
Responsiveness refers to how you are received when you reach out to a partner. In other words, if your partner tries to share a need or hurt, are you receptive to their concerns? If you reach out to your partner, do they often respond in a way that lets you know they are interested?
Engagement
Engagement goes beyond the communication of content into the connection that can be experienced when a partner reaches out to another. When you are able to enjoy a secure connection within a romantic relationship, you’ll often feel more secure in your sense of self, experience less stress and anxiety, and find it more interesting to explore the world.
What Happens When You Only Spend Time With Your Romantic Partner(s)?
Although a secure connection is what people are often looking for in a romantic relationship, it can be difficult to experience this, especially when people have a history of insecure connections with others. When people have been hurt in previous romantic relationships, or even in their family of originrelationships, they might view current relationships as their only source of connection, belonging, and safety. Dependency in a relationship is when partners move beyond simply turning to each other for support to expecting your partner(s) to meet all of your emotional needs. When partners are not able to do this for one another, it can throw the relationship into a tailspin and leave one or both partners feeling dysregulated. The expectations can become unreasonable and, ultimately, leave partners feeling isolated and pressured to perform. When relationships feel uncertain like this, it can leave both partners feeling a constant sense of unease and stress about the quality of their bond. Partners often find that they become fearful and even resentful of each other, leading to poorer communication and further misunderstandingsand uncertainty.
Benefits of Maintaining Friendships With Others
Having good friends that accessible to you can be helpful as you go through life. You might find the need to turn to others for support, encouragement, validation, or even to help you organize your thoughts and challenge perceptions. Not only can you turn to friends in times of need, but positive support people can also offer you opportunities to explore, enjoy new experiences and share a good laugh. Friendships can offer many of the same benefits as secure romantic relationships, such as:
Positive sense of selfIncreased satisfaction with lifeSense of belonging and acceptanceBoosts both mental and physical healthSupport in times of needPeople to do activities with
Sometimes Your Romantic Relationship Needs Support
An additional benefit of having trusted friendships outside of our relationship is that you have people to turn to when your romantic relationship can use support. So, having trusted others to turn to for guidance and perspective can benefit your romantic relationships.
Creating Boundaries With Friends
Boundaries are always important in healthy relationships. As you and your partner discuss nurturing friendships outside of your relationship, a clear discussion of boundaries can be helpful so both partners can continue feeling secure within the relationship. Are there topics that are to be off limits? Are there things that should or should not be shared with friends? Having an honest conversation about this with your partner is key to easing any fears or uncertainty.
A Word From Verywell
Do not be afraid to talk with your partner about how to maintain the foundational building blocks of a secure connection, which are accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement, while also encouraging a sense of healthy interdependence. Being open with one another in this way can be of great benefit to the quality of your relationship. If you are struggling to maintain boundaries with friends or you’re noticing that you and your partner(s) are spending too much time together, you can enlist the help of a relationship therapist who help you create a better relationship.
