At the same time, most people aren’t sure how to break up with a friend. Unlike romantic relationships, in which there are clear precedents about how to break up with someone and clear labels to refer to whether you are in or out of a relationship, the same is not true for friendships. This can leave you in a strange sort of limbo where you no longer want to be friends with someone but don’t know how to end a friendship. There are a few ways to approach this difficult task, but first, consider why you feel the friendship is over.
Reasons for Ending a Friendship
Before you decide how to break up with a friend, it’s helpful to outline for yourself the reasons why you no longer want to be friends with a particular person. This helps you to move forward as you end the friendship. One way to do this is by journaling your feelings. This allows you a safe space to get out your thoughts without discussing them with other people. Avoid discussing your feelings with the friend you want to break up with until they are clear in your own mind. Common reasons you might choose to end a friendship include:
Circumstances: Your lives have changed (no longer working together, going to the same school, etc.). Distance: You’ve grown apart in terms of interests or commitments. Lying: Your friend is deceitful. Negativity: Your friend spends more time cutting you down than building you up. Obligation: The person has become an obligatory friend who you no longer enjoy. Rivalry: The person is actually a frenemy (a friendly rival). Toxicity: The friend has become a toxic person in your life. Values: Your values have become opposed in some way.
Again, because there is so little information on how to break up with a friend, and it is rarely talked about, most people don’t know how to end a friendship, and they may not even know when they are justified in wanting to do so. Know that a friend shouldn’t ask you to compromise your integrity, go against your values or commitments, tell a lie, or hurt someone. Although it may feel like a significant loss to lose a friend, someone who no longer is making your life better does not deserve that space in your life.
Recognizing a Toxic Friendship
In general, a healthy relationship is one in which both people are giving and taking equally. In a toxic relationship, one person will often do more of the taking and the other, more of the giving. Pay attention to how you feel the next time you’re around this person and how you feel after spending time with them. Signs of a toxic friendship include:
Your friend doesn’t care about you, and they don’t show any interest in your life. They often lie, manipulate, and/or try to control you. They don’t support you or show up for you. They’re unreliable. You feel neglected or judged by them. You feel emotionally drained after you spend time with them.
If this person is someone who lifts your spirits and gives you energy, then you might consider giving the friendship another try. However, if their negative impact on your life outweighs the positive, you may be in a toxic relationship. Follow Now: Apple Podcasts / Spotify / Google Podcasts
Healthy Ways to End a Friendship
In general, there are four healthy options when ending a friendship. In some cases, you may use a combination of these strategies.
The Gradual Fade-Out
This tactic involves letting the friendship come to a natural close by gradually reducing social interaction with the other person. This is akin to taking the stitches out of a garment versus tearing it apart. Gradually fading out of the friendship might be a good option if you are afraid of confrontation, if the person is likely not to listen or accept what you are saying, or for toxic situations. In general, fading out of a friendship is an attempt to avoid hurt feelings. Instead of laying your feelings on the line, you just become too busy to get together or generally hard to reach. You might text instead of call, fade out of the person’s social media (unfollowing them or muting their account as needed), take a long time when getting back in touch, answer with short replies, etc. While fading out of friendship may seem kinder, it could drag on if the friend does not take the hint. In that case, you might be putting that person through a stressful situation, as they try to guess what is going on or why you’ve suddenly disappeared. However, the fade-out might be your best option if the friendship is toxic and you don’t want to have to explain yourself, if you’ve been harmed by the person, or if you just don’t care enough anymore to give them an explanation.
Having a Talk
If you determine that a gradual fade-out is not appropriate or if it just ends up not working, then you might need to have a talk with your friend. This is similar to a talk you would have in a romantic relationship to determine where each of you stands and to talk about the future. A talk can be a stepping stone to the end of a friendship, but you might find that you are able to resolve your differences and fix the friendship.
Step 1: Ask the person to meet you for coffee to chat. However, if you think it’ll be safer (physically or emotionally) to contact them via text, over the phone, or by email, pursue one of these options instead. Step 2: Have a goal for your talk. Think about what you want to achieve. Do you want to clear up a miscommunication, explain resentment, address an old argument, or set boundaries? Whatever it is that you hope to achieve, it needs to be clear in your head before you meet. Start out with a statement that opens the doors for more conversation. For example: “I’ve noticed some patterns in our friendship in the past few months that have been bothering me. I wondered if we could talk about it.” Step 3: Talk about how you are feeling, not what the other person has done wrong. Keep your goals for the conversation in mind. Remember to listen as much as you talk.
Focus on using “I” statements when you speak. An I statement, such as “I feel sad when you don’t show up after we’ve made plans,” puts the emphasis on your feelings instead of placing blame only on your friend. Even if you’re angry or upset with your friend, it might be less stressful for both of you if you let them down easy. Let them know what you do appreciate about them. Just because you’re ending the friendship doesn’t mean you don’t value the time you spent together.
Taking a Break
You may determine from having a talk that your differences can’t be resolved. If that’s the case, what do you do? You could immediately terminate the friendship, or you could decide to take a break, much the same way people sometimes take breaks in romantic relationships. Taking a break can have many positives. It gives you:
A fresh perspective on the friendshipA moment to calm down if you are upsetAn opportunity to miss your friend if you were spending too much time togetherTime to reevaluate the friendship
You can give any number of reasons for taking a break. You could say that you are going to be extra busy for a couple of weeks, if you prefer to be vague. On the other hand, if you’ve just had a talk, you could say that you need time to digest everything you’ve discussed. Set a time in the future that you plan to reconvene, or suggest that you will get in touch when you feel you are ready. While on the break, you can always mute or unfollow their account on social media to provide some added distance. You might find that clearing the mental space this friend once occupied can be a helpful refresher and benefit the relationship. If you choose to continue the friendship, be sure that both of you communicate your boundaries and expectations moving forward.
Ending Things Immediately
Sometimes it is impossible to avoid the chaos that happens when a friendship ends. This is true if you are dealing with a toxic friend or someone who does not respect boundaries that you try to set. In this situation, simply state that your needs are not being met in the friendship. Wish the other person all the best in the future. This type of friendship break-up can be good in that it is unambiguous and clear, and you get a chance to voice any issues that you’ve been holding back. At the same time, it can be awkward to confront someone in this manner. This type of friendship break-up will be most appropriate if you’ve known someone a long time and feel they deserve the respect of a final goodbye, or if someone does something so awful that it would be hard to ignore. At some point, you could simply say, “Goodbye, I need to go.” If it helps, write a little script that expresses what you are feeling. Especially in relationships where there is manipulation, physical or emotional abuse, or the violation of boundaries, you don’t owe another person an explanation for why you’re ending the friendship. Your first priority is to keep yourself safe and not subject yourself to further stress, especially if your safety is at risk. Block their number, block them on social media, and let any mutual friends know that you will no longer be engaging with this person.
What to Expect When a Friendship Ends
Though you may have plenty of valid reasons for ending a friendship, this doesn’t necessarily protect you or your former friend from the feelings that go along with a friend break-up.
Becoming hostile or aggressive Enlisting other friends to end a friendship for you Seeking revenge (such as posting negative things about them on social media)
But remember, feeling sad that a friendship ends doesn’t mean that you made the wrong decision. Having an idea of your friend’s possible reaction and what you’ll feel after the break-up can help you mentally prepare for the end of the friendship.
From Your Friend
They may react in the following ways:
Asking if it’s possible to convert the friendship into a different form of relationship Feeling hurt and becoming defensive Not understanding why you want to end the friendship Trying to manipulate you back into the friendship
If your friend chooses to escalate the conversation into an argument or displays any aggressive or hostile behavior, you should avoid engaging. Try to calmly leave the situation and get to a safe place as soon as possible. If you’re meeting with your friend in person, let a trusted loved one know where you’ll be and check in with them when you’re done. You might even have a loved one waiting for you to pick you up or to meet up with you at a nearby coffee shop or store.
For Yourself
You might be surprised to learn that a friendship can be saved or converted into something else. It’s OK to tell your friend that you need time to decide and that you both can continue the conversation soon. You might end a friendship over the phone or via text if you’re worried your friend will try to manipulate you into staying friends. If they don’t accept your decision, you don’t have to engage with them in an argument. You can excuse yourself from the conversation, wish them the best, and block their number. You can’t control whether your other friends continue seeing the person you broke up with. Let mutual friends know you’d appreciate a heads-up if there’s a group gathering where this person will be, so you can make a decision beforehand about whether you’ll attend. Though many people have revenge fantasies, or wish they could “get back” at an old friend, try to let these go. Your mental health can be negatively affected by constant rumination about your old friend. If you’re having trouble dealing with the aftermath of a friend break-up, talk to a qualified mental healthcare professional who can help you learn healthy coping mechanisms to deal with these tough emotions.
A Word From Verywell
Breaking up a friendship can be just as stressful and emotionally draining as ending a romantic relationship. Be sure to be kind to yourself afterward. It’s normal to feel sad, frustrated, or angry. Keep on top of your mental health to ensure that the end of the friendship does not cause problems for you in terms of poor physical health or lowered resistance to stress. Just like a divorce, the break-up of a friendship will get easier with time.
