When in search of closure, the main goal is to get answers to unresolved matters; but is it worth the hassle, or is it better to leave things as they are and move on? This article aims to answer these questions and discuss why closure might keep you from healing, what happens when you seek closure, and how to get closure.
Closure Can Prevent Your Healing
ICF Certified Life & Relationship Coach Rachel Kuhlen of Realize You Coaching says that seeking closure from someone can be a trap for the following reasons:
Seeking closure can become a crutch that keeps you from doing the actual work of moving forward.You are asking someone who was not forthright with you in the first place to tell you what happened (if they had been, you wouldn’t need closure).There are no guarantees the other person will be honest with you.The amount of closure you receive might feel unsatisfying, so you might question whether you received enough.
When something is lost or taken away, healing should be your main priority. But, first, you have to accept what once was is no longer present and work through those emotions.
Closure Could Be a Trigger
In mental health terms, a trigger is some event, thought, or person that affects your emotional state, often significantly, by causing extreme distress. According to Kuhlen, your attempt at getting closure may amplify already existing insecurities or create new insecurities. For example, if your partner no longer wants to be in a relationship with you, you might be tempted to ask the other person why they no longer wish to continue the relationship. Doing this is an attempt at getting closure. While you might want to know why things are ending, finding out this information could be triggering. Below are some examples of what your former partner might say to you versus what you think they mean: It’s easy to overthink when in search of things that have been left unsaid or unresolved. But sometimes, things are better off left unsaid—you might find that ignorance is bliss.
When You Can’t Get Closure
In many instances, closure may not be an option. For example, if someone has passed away, you cannot receive closure. If a romantic relationship has ended, the other person may be unwilling or unable to give you the closure you need. So, what happens when you don’t receive it? Are you better off not knowing? Are you sparing yourself additional heartache and confusion? Sometimes the other person may be against helping you obtain closure. If this is so, you’ll have to take it upon yourself to find other means to get closure for your own mental health.
Ways to Get Closure
Not everyone receives closure. Fortunately, other options can help bring some relief and peace to you as you accept the ending of a relationship and begin to move forward in life. The end goal is peace, so finding closure on any level is a win. Here are some ways to bring yourself some closure when you need it.
Write a Letter
It could be a ‘goodbye’ letter to that person, and you can say everything you weren’t able to. The important thing here is that you get those emotions out. It’s entirely up to you whether you send the letter. But, by writing everything out, you are releasing any sad and negative energy. Doing so can facilitate your healing.
Embrace the Tears
Crying is one of the best ways to release difficult emotions. Crying isn’t a bad thing because, once you’re done, you are often more likely to feel better afterward.
Enjoy Your Solitude
Doing things alone can be so empowering. Have you ever taken yourself out on a date? Try it once, and you might realize that you enjoy your own company. You don’t have to ask anyone what they have a taste for, share anything, wait to order out of consideration for your guest, or pay for anyone but yourself. Long gone are the days of silent shame when going out alone was seen as a bad thing. Table for one, please!
Find a New Hobby
Hobbies are enjoyable and stress-free. So, find something that brings you peace and happiness. So, whether you like to color, paint, get pedicures, or shop, find something that makes you happy and do that. Hobbies are great distractions and great for your mental health. When you’re doing something that makes you feel good, it’s like giving yourself a gift every time you engage.
Accept Things as They Are
The reality is that, with or without closure, the relationship has ended for one reason or another. While this may be a hard pill to swallow, face it head-on. In time, with proper coping methods, you will recover. You will meet someone else, make a new friend, or get cultivate stronger bonds with others you already know. That relationship didn’t work out for a reason; You may not know that reason right now, but in time it will make sense. Acceptance is the first step to healing, and once you heal, you can move forward.
Do You Really Need Closure?
You’re the best gauge of what you need. No one else can determine whether or not you need closure or how much of it you need. Keep in mind, though, that you may not get the kind of closure that you’re looking for. Are you prepared to hear something you don’t like? What about the emotions that follow the conversation? Though there is hope for closure, it is not something that is often given; and when it is, the outcome is not what most expect. However, the most important thing is to take care of yourself no matter what happens because you should be your main priority.
