Long-distance relationships (LDRs) used to be an anomaly, often happening later in an established couple. One member would have to move for studies, work, or military service, and the relationship had to adapt to this change. But nowadays, we can fall in love at a distance too. With the internet, it’s easier than ever to establish relationships, romantic or otherwise, even before seeing the other person “in real life,” or IRL. What challenges do LDRs have that typical relationships do not? How can people in an LDR ensure the success of their relationship? We will explore these questions in this article.
Unique Challenges
Although every romantic relationship has challenges, studies show that long-distance relationships have a set of potential issues that are particular to the geographical distance between the members. Challenges may include:
Experiencing financial strain related to travel Having more extreme emotions related to the relationship Maintaining high expectations around face-to-face meetings given how infrequent and short they are Negotiating boundaries between local friends and the distance partner Having an unrealistic view of the state of the relationship
Financial strain is an obvious factor that every person in a long-distance relationship has experienced. Whether it’s the high fuel costs of driving hundreds of miles, or the time and financial commitment of frequent airplane travel, couples on LDRs need to budget for travel costs just as they would other costs like a mortgage, food, and clothing. The boundary negotiation is a trickier element to manage. People in long-distance relationships can develop jealousy towards their partner’s local friends, often complaining that they spend “too much time” with them. There is also the risk of your partner developing an intimate relationship or falling in love with someone else while you are away. Establishing clear boundaries, being honest, and understanding that people need social interactions face-to-face will go a long in defusing these potential problems. It’s also very easy to dismiss or ignore growing relationship trouble because of distance. We assign it to stress, to the distance itself, to missing each other, rather than actual behavior of disengagement. It’s more difficult to gauge whether our partner is really committed to the relationship because we do not see their behavior on a daily basis. Finally, research has shown that feelings of excitement, jealousy, love, and anger tend to be more extreme in people in LDRs. This means the potential for emotionally-fueled decisions, for unnecessary fights, and for piercing disappointment, as discussed above.
How to Ensure Success
After these challenges, it seems almost impossible to be happy in LDRs. But this is far from being the case. Yes, LDRs have challenges and difficulties that do not arise in geographically close relationships, but it doesn’t mean they can’t work. What does it depend on, then? Research looking at whether attitude impacted the likelihood of an LDS surviving shows that those with positive outlooks scored higher in how well they communicated with their partner, overall satisfaction, and other areas that might predict the likelihood that a relationship would survive. What does this mean? It means that maintaining positive feelings and interactions (Gottman’s 5-to-1 ratio applies to LDRs too) and making partners feel secure, safe, and committed was just as important for LDRs as for same-city relationships. In other words, what you do in a geographically close relationship also applies to LDRs. In terms of communication, video or phone are better than emails and text. However, face-to-face contact was especially important and made a big difference for people in LDRs. In other words, LDRs worked the same way as same-city relationships as long as the two people met in person at least a few times a year. If you want to maintain a healthy LDR, save money for traveling and plan on meeting regularly. Otherwise, the same general rules for romantic relationships apply: communicate openly, make your expectations and needs clear, strive for intimacy and trust, and be trustworthy. It is important to keep your promises and maintain your commitments. If you plan on speaking on the phone once a day, for example, consider this an essential part of maintaining your relationship. It is not optional or “only when you have time”.
A Word From Verywell
Long-distance partners are still people. The distance tends to make them less “personal” to us, but by maintaining frequent and open lines of communication and by fostering trust and positive emotions, it is possible for an LDR to work, even long-term. In fact, as the research cited here suggests, LDRs work pretty much the same as geographically close relationships. Treat them the same way, and you should be able to make it work.
