—Megan, 29 Perhaps you had a mother who dated men who needed to be fixed. And by watching her, you learned that love means fixing people’s problems for them. Or maybe your father was a great guy who was battling serious problems. And now, you date men who remind you of your father. There’s also the possibility that “fixing people” is a great distraction from your own life. The more you focus on helping other people with their problems, the less time you have to invest addressing your own issues. If you can’t figure it out on your own, talk to a therapist. Talking to someone might help you connect the dots.
Don’t Fall in Love With Someone’s Potential
Someone who has serious problems that they aren’t willing to address won’t make a good partner for you. You become more like a parent who has to prod them along and help them find their way rather than an equal partner. Of course, you likely see the best in the men you date. And you probably know that they have serious potential if it weren’t for the problems they have. But, you can’t fall in love with someone’s potential. They might not have any desire to create the changes you want them to make—the changes you know would make their lives better. And consequently, you might be in love with the person they won’t ever actually become.
Work on Yourself
Are you ever not in a relationship? It’s important to have some time where you just focus on yourself. During those times, set goals, engage in hobbies, and spend time with friends and family. Working on yourself will help you become a better partner when you are in a relationship. And that is key to developing healthier relationships down the road. Focus on becoming your best self and you’ll take less responsibility for making other people the best version of themselves.
Watch for Red Flags
Everyone has problems in life. And there’s nothing wrong with dating someone who is invested in self-improvement. But when you encounter someone who acts helpless, don’t do their work for them. You aren’t actually helping someone if you intervene and do things they could do for themselves. Commit to only helping people who are invested in helping themselves. If you start dating someone and you’re tempted to fix them, consider it a sign that neither of you are ready for a relationship.
