For whatever reason, you might not feel a genuine connection to certain therapists. Or you might start seeing a therapist only to discover that this professional doesn’t specialize in the area suitable for your mental health history and background. In some cases, it can be difficult to determine exactly why therapy isn’t going well, but the nagging feeling that you’re not making much progress in your sessions won’t go away. Find out when it’s possible to work through an issue with a therapist or when it’s time to walk away.
Bad Therapist Signs
Your therapy should center your healing and recovery first and foremost. If your therapy sessions aren’t helping, you’re under no obligation to continue on a path that’s not conducive to your growth. Recognize when it’s time to find a new therapist with this overview of red flags and warning signs.
Your Therapist Is Unreliable
Mental health professionals have busy and complicated lives just like their patients do. A professional or family emergency might prompt them to reschedule appointments on occasion. Though, if your therapist frequently shows up late, reschedules, cancels, or, worse, forgets about appointments, you may want to consider seeing a different mental health provider. These actions show that the therapist has not prioritized you and is not committed to your care. Before you call it quits with the unreliable therapist, you can try discussing your concerns with the provider or even asking if moving your session to a different day or time would help. You’re certainly not obligated to find a solution for your therapist’s flakiness. Still, if you really like the provider and want to continue the relationship, this might be worth a try.
Your Therapist Is Unethical
Unethical therapists betray their patients’ trust and violate professional codes of conduct. If your therapist has touched you inappropriately or sexually propositioned you, it’s important to end all sessions immediately and report the therapist to the state licensure board or other appropriate authorities. Therapists are forbidden from pursuing their patients sexually. They’re also forbidden from urging patients to harm themselves or others. In one notorious case, a New York City psychiatrist was arrested for convincing one of her patients to murder her ex-lover. For more mental health resources, see our National Helpline Database. Often, therapists won’t do something as egregious as violating sexual boundaries with a patient or manipulating someone to commit a crime. Still, they could engage in unethical behaviors all the same. Here are some other examples of unethical professional conduct:
They try to get you to run errands for them or perform other personal favors. They break confidentiality, gossiping to you about other patients and raising your suspicions that they do the same about you. They may treat you more like a friend than a patient, wasting valuable time during sessions and slowing your progress toward healing.
Your Therapist Is Judgmental
Therapists should not force their religious and personal views onto you but help you gain insight into your life and make informed decisions. It’s difficult to make progress in therapy if you can’t be your authentic self—and a therapist who judges you because of your history of drug addiction, sexual promiscuity, financial irresponsibility, or another reason will prevent you from opening up and growing. You sought therapy to get help for your problems. Pretending you don’t have any to avoid criticism from a judgmental provider will delay your progress.
Your Therapist Is Not Culturally Sensitive
Some therapists aren’t judgmental but hold stereotypical and even bigoted views of people who don’t share their backgrounds. If your therapist has made disparaging remarks about your sexual orientation, racial background, religion, or another aspect of your identity, this isn’t the right provider for you. Therapists don’t have to make overtly hostile remarks about your identities to reveal that they harbor negative views of certain groups. If they view you in stereotypical terms, they may not be able to view you as a three-dimensional human being. If they express surprise that you’re college-educated, married with children, speak English well or any other number of stereotypical remarks related to their perceptions of your background, look for a different provider. The same advice applies if you feel that your therapist is condescending, talks down to you, or is not quite comfortable with you.
Your Therapist Just Doesn’t Get You
Your therapist may be highly trained and well-qualified but simply doesn’t get you. Perhaps you and your therapist share different religious, racial, gender, or class backgrounds. For example, if you’re a gay man from a working-class Jewish neighborhood in Brooklyn, and your therapist is an upper-class, heterosexual woman from a Baptist family in Texas, you may not feel that she has the life experience to understand your unique struggles. If you question whether your therapist can understand your family dynamics, the challenges of a working-class upbringing, or the threats posed by anti-Semitism and homophobia, you may want to find a different provider. But it’s also important to be realistic. While you may not find a therapist who’s your carbon copy, you can strive to find one who specializes in serving the LGBTQ+ population or the Jewish community, for instance.
Your Therapist Can’t Help You
When you first begin therapy, you may not understand your unique mental health needs or diagnoses. But over time, you may come to find that growing up in a family plagued by domestic violence has left you with complex PTSD. However, if your therapist doesn’t specialize in trauma disorders, the provider may not be the appropriate person to guide you on your healing journey. If you’re not sure that your therapist is qualified to help you, find out the provider’s specialties. If you have a personality disorder, and the therapist is not trained to treat such disorders, find someone who can provide specialized care.
Your Therapist Is Pushy
Does your therapist listen to you? If you say you’re uncomfortable going into detail about a traumatic part of your life like intimate partner violence or childhood sexual abuse, does your therapist respect your wishes or pressure you to disclose this information anyway? How about goal-setting? Does your therapist push you to set loftier goals than you’ve established for yourself? If you say you’d like to work out for four hours a week, does the provider urge you to exercise for five? If you say you’d like to save an extra $200 per month, does the therapist suggest you save double that amount, regardless of your financial situation? You know your circumstances and abilities better than anyone else, so if you’ve set realistic and achievable goals for yourself, it’s inappropriate for therapists to push you to meet their goals for you. If you ask for a therapist’s advice, it’s fine for the provider to make recommendations or guide you to make the best choice for yourself, but mental health professionals should not be giving you step-by-step instructions on how to live your life. Some therapists simply talk too much. If you find that you can hardly get a word in edgewise as they drone on about their problems, their expertise, and their suggestions for your life, they may be too self-centered to be of any real help.
Your Therapist Is Too Passive
While some therapists may be too pushy, others may be too passive. If a therapist hesitates to give you any advice at all or is afraid to give you a much-needed nudge about improving your life, your provider may not be proactive enough. This is also the case if therapists say very little during sessions and don’t have a plan to help you work through your problems. If they have given no indication about the form of treatment they practice, and months have passed with very little structure during your therapy sessions, tell them that you’d benefit from a goal-oriented treatment protocol. If you still feel like you’re not making any progress in therapy, it’s time to find a different provider.
A Word From Verywell
Therapy is often a rewarding experience, but it may take several tries to find your preferred therapist. To increase your chances of finding the right one, make a list of non-negotiable qualities you want in a mental health provider. If your therapist must share your gender, religion, or ethnicity, specialize in a certain area, or live within a certain distance of your home, only meet with providers who meet these criteria. On the other hand, be willing to broaden your search, if necessary. That could mean ending up with a therapist who specializes in an area pertinent to your diagnosis but doesn’t share your ethnicity. Finally, don’t hesitate to dump a therapist who’s proven to be unreliable, unethical, judgmental, or bigoted. You deserve better.
