Here are 10 things you should avoid saying to someone who has lost a relative or loved one with an addiction. An indirect criticism implies that the griever got it wrong, for example, by saying, “You never did know how to deal with their addiction, did you?” While this may be true, in this example, it is hurtful to emphasize the relative or loved one’s powerlessness at the time when they are feeling least able to control what has happened. However, the grieving person is probably feeling overwhelmed with many contradictory feelings and has to make peace with the relationship that is now over. Being reminded that the person who was addicted was cruel, thoughtless, or unable to deal with their own problems is unnecessary, in bad taste, and hurtful to the person left behind. Avoid blaming the griever, the person who has died, the person’s friends, school, employer, people who enabled or gave the deceased person drugs, the government, or anyone else that you feel the responsibility for the death lies with. There may have been exploitation, abuse, overdoses, or suicide attempts the relative had to cope with, as well as shared experiences, love, intimacy, and attempts to get help. Allow them the privacy and space to process their grief in their own way. It is also unlikely that their troubles are over, as there may be financial and other problems that are unresolved. And while an optimistic outlook can be motivating, it is important that the grieving person does not go into denial about their feelings about all that happened when the deceased person was alive, just because the person has gone. In addition, the grieving person may miss having a partner, parent, sibling, child, or friend—roles which may never be filled by someone else. The death of the person who may have abused them does not make the pain go away. Recovery from abuse can take time, sometimes years. Although you may feel that a relative or loved one who has faced abuse is wallowing in their pain, the reality is, they may be suffering from PTSD. Telling them to snap out of it will just hurt and alienate them further. If you find this hard to understand, at least hold off on expressing an opinion. Advice can be confusing and contradictory and can get in the way of the person figuring out for themselves what to do. It also puts more pressure on someone who is likely feeling overwhelmed as it is. And if your advice turns out to be incorrect, it can cause problems in your relationship with them. Generally, alcohol and drugs are ineffective ways of managing stress and are counterproductive to the process of working through feelings. Instead, invite the person to participate in another activity, or invite them to dinner, but avoid serving alcohol. And the grieving relative or loved one is faced with the stony silence of the phone never ringing and the only mail to hit the mat being bills. Sure, it is embarrassing and awkward to talk about. But it is a lot less painful for the person left behind knowing that there are people around to share the process of letting go than to face what seems like abandonment by everyone they know. For more mental health resources, see our National Helpline Database.
